Learning to Do Better: Navigating One’s Guilt in Caregiving

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One Caregiver’s Journey by Eleanor Gaccetta is a tell-all book on the complexities and intimacies of giving care to a loved one who is on borrowed time. It is a medley of sorrow and happiness, and a powerful exultation of growing as a better person in spite of tragedy by learning to do better.

Caregiving is a labor of love and sacrifice. What often goes unmentioned, though, is that it is also a one-way trip to a vastly complex emotional landscape. Within this landscape, guilt emerges as a persistent, unwelcome companion. Whether tending to an aging parent, a child with special needs, or a chronically ill partner, the constant demands and inherent limitations of caregiving create fertile ground for feelings of inadequacy. Throughout your caregiving journey, there will always be a gnawing sensation at the pit of your stomach that tells you that you haven’t done enough, that you are failing to meet anything. Whether those emotions are based on fact or not, they can quickly become a burden that may balloon large enough that it presents a hindrance to your capacity for delivering proper care.

This guilt requires careful navigation to prevent it from overwhelming everyone, from caregiver to patient to everyone else.

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Navigating the Weight of Guilt

The reality of caregiving (and life in general, really) is that needs will, at times, go unmet. This happens a lot. We are only human, not machines. And even machines can fail to do their tasks.

In the sheer magnitued of what a caregiver has to do daily, exhaustion, limited resources, and whatever else can conspire to create gaps in care. Whatever may happen, in these moments, the weight of guilt becomes palpable enough that simply feeling it suffocates the lungs. We replay the situation, scrutinizing our actions and inactions, imagining alternative scenarios where we could have done better. The few instances of this happening stretch on, becoming frequent visitations until, finally, it takes up everything in our waking moments.

This cycle of self-criticism can be relentless and brutal. When our confidence is eroded, and our sense of well-being is swallowed up by the whirlwind of guilt ravaging and raging inside our minds, it can be extremely soul-destroying.

The source of this guilt often lies in the idealized image of the perfect caregiver. We envision someone who is endlessly patient, perpetually energetic, and capable of anticipating every need. We like to think we are capable of reaching that archetype, that it is in our bones to become a good person who can do good things. This idea, however, is almost always unattainable. Caregiving is inherently imperfect, riddled with compromises and difficult choices. Learning to do better means recognizing this reality. The next step, then, towards mitigating the crippling effects of guilt, is to acknowledge that we–all of us–are doing our best within the constraints of our circumstances.

Learning to Do Better

Caregiving often involves navigating situations that are beyond our control. Illness, aging, and disability are unpredictable and can present challenges that defy our best efforts. The world cannot be held down, and any attempt at doing so will only result in greater pain and heartache. This lack of control can be very potent fuel for feelings of guilt as we blame ourselves for outcomes that are ultimately unavoidable.

Learning to accept the limits of our control is vital. We must recognize that we are not responsible for everything that happens. Focusing on what we can control, such as providing comfort, advocating for our loved one’s needs, and seeking professional support, can help us manage feelings of guilt and maintain a sense of agency.

Cultivating self-compassion requires practice. We can begin by practicing mindfulness, which involves paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without judgment. We can also engage in self-soothing activities, such as taking a warm bath, listening to music, or spending time in nature. Remember that you are not alone in this journey.

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Eleanor Gaccetta’s One Caregiver’s Journey is available for purchase on this website. This link will take you there, if you want to grab a copy now. The book is equal parts guide and equal parts memoir. It is a reminder of the love and care that comes with caregiving, and the great weight that one takes on their shoulders in caregiving.