Talking on the phone with a loved one who has dementia can feel confusing, sad, and frustrating. You might hear the same story repeated, be asked the same question many times, or even not be recognized. It’s heartbreaking. You hang up wondering, “Did that call even matter?”
Please know this: Your call matters more than you can see.
Even if the conversation doesn’t make perfect sense, the feeling of connection, love, and comfort you provide stays with your loved one long after they hang up. This article will give you simple, powerful tips to turn your phone calls from a source of stress into a gift of connection for both of you.
Understanding How Dementia Changes Communication
To talk effectively, it helps to understand what your loved one is experiencing. Dementia is more than just memory loss. It affects the brain’s ability to:
- Process Information: Thoughts slow down. It takes longer to understand what you’re saying.
- Find Words: They may struggle to find the right word or use the wrong one.
- Focus: They can get easily distracted, even by a TV in the background.
- Follow Logic: Complex sentences or questions with multiple parts can be overwhelming.
Why Phone Calls Are Especially Hard
On the phone, you’ve taken away all visual cues. They can’t see your warm smile, your reassuring nod, or your familiar face. It’s just a voice in their ear, which can be confusing and disorienting. Your tone of voice becomes the most important tool you have.
Before You Call: Setting Yourself Up for Success
A good call starts before you even dial the number.
- Check the Time: Avoid calling during “sundowning” hours (late afternoon/early evening), when confusion and agitation often increase. Mornings are usually better. If their caregiver is there, ask them for the best time to call.
- Get in the Right Mindset: Take three deep breaths. Remind yourself that the goal is connection, not a perfect conversation. They may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.
- Be Prepared: Have a few simple, happy topics in mind. Think about old family stories, a beloved pet, or a favorite hobby. Keep a notepad handy to jot things down.
- Find a Quiet Space: Go to a room without a TV, kids playing, or other background noise. This helps you focus completely on them.
How to Start the Conversation Strong
The first few seconds set the tone for the entire call.
- Identify Yourself Clearly: Always say who you are, even if it’s your own parent. Use a warm, cheerful tone.
- Example: “Hi Dad, it’s Mary. Your daughter. I’m just calling to say hello and hear your voice.”
- Reassure and Orient: Gently mention the time of day or a simple activity.
- Example: “It’s a beautiful sunny morning here. I was just thinking about you while having my coffee.”
This isn’t about testing their memory; it’s about making them feel safe and oriented.
Communication Techniques During the Call
A. Keep it Simple and Slow
- Use short sentences. “It’s so good to hear your voice,” is better than a long, rambling story.
- Speak slowly and clearly.
- Ask one simple question at a time. Instead of “What did you do today and who did you see?” try, “Did you have a nice lunch?”
B. Focus on Feelings, Not Facts
If your mom says she just had breakfast when it’s actually dinnertime, correcting her will only cause frustration. Instead, enter her reality.
- Don’t say: “No, Mom, it’s 6 PM. You just had dinner.”
- Do say: “Oh, breakfast is the best. What did you have?” Validating her feelings is more important than correcting the facts.
C. Listen with Your Heart
- Allow for Silence: Don’t rush to fill every pause. They may need time to process their thoughts or find the right words.
- Listen for the Emotion: If they talk about wanting to “go home” (even if they are home), they are likely feeling scared or insecure. Respond to the feeling: “It sounds like you miss home. That must be hard. Tell me about your home.”
D. Use Positive Triggers
Talk about the past, which is often clearer than the present. Mention a favorite song, a childhood memory, or a beloved family member. Looking at activities you can do with a loved one with dementia can give you great conversation starters about old hobbies.
Handling Difficult Moments with Grace
When They Don’t Recognize You:
This is one of the most painful moments. Don’t argue or insist (“Mom, it’s ME!”). It will only cause distress.
- Stay calm and reassuring. Say, “Well, I’m just a friendly person who cares about you and wanted to call and say hello.” Your warm, familiar voice will still be comforting, even if they can’t place the name.
When They are Anxious or Angry:
- Validate their feelings. “It sounds like you’re feeling upset. I’m so sorry you’re having a rough day.”
- Change the subject gently. “Hearing your voice is making me feel better. It reminds me of that time we went to the beach…”
When They Keep Repeating the Same Question:
Answer patiently each time as if it’s the first time. Then, try to redirect. If they keep asking, “When are you coming?” you can say, “I’ll see you soon. It sounds so nice that you’re thinking of me. What are you looking at out your window right now?”
How Long and How Often to Call
- Short and Sweet is Best: A successful call can be just 5 or 10 minutes. It’s better to end on a positive note than to keep going until they are tired and frustrated.
- Be Consistent: If you can, call around the same time each day or week. This creates a comforting sense of routine. Establishing routines is incredibly beneficial for someone with dementia.
Supporting the Caregiver and Yourself
You are not alone. Caring for someone from afar is emotionally draining.
- Connect with the Primary Caregiver: After your call, you might want to check in with the main caregiver for an update. Understanding who is responsible for dementia care can help you build a supportive team.
- Take Care of YOU: It’s okay to feel grief, anger, and exhaustion. Your well-being is essential. Consider joining a support group for caregivers to share your experiences.
- Small Gestures Help: Sometimes, sending a thoughtful gift for a dementia caregiver can be a huge support to the person on the front lines.
After the Call: Reflect and Learn
Take a moment after you hang up.
- What topic made them light up?
- What seemed to cause anxiety?
- Jot down any significant changes in their mood or memory to share with their family or doctor.
Other Ways to Connect
- Video Calls: If possible, use FaceTime or Zoom. Seeing your face can provide huge comfort and context.
- Voice Messages: Sending a short, cheerful voice message through an app like WhatsApp can be a lovely surprise that they can listen to over and over.
- Send Photos: Mail them a large-print photo of yourself with your name on it. This can help reinforce your identity for the next call.
Conclusion
Remember, you are giving a priceless gift: the gift of connection. You are a familiar voice cutting through the fog of confusion, reminding your loved one that they are loved and not alone. Let go of the need for a logical chat. Embrace the moments of joy, listen with your heart, and know that your patience and love are making a world of difference.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: What if they get angry and hang up on me?
A: Don’t take it personally. This is the dementia talking, not your loved one. They are likely feeling scared, confused, or overwhelmed. Wait a while, then call back calmly as if nothing happened, or try again another day. Your calm persistence is reassuring.
Q: How do I handle it when they talk about someone who has passed away as if they are still alive?
A: Do not correct them. Telling them their loved one is dead can cause fresh grief and trauma. Instead, lean into the happy memory. Say, “Tell me a story about them. They sound like a wonderful person.”
Q: My loved one just stays silent. What should I do?
A: Silence is okay. You can fill it gently by talking about a happy memory, describing what you see out your window, or telling them you love them. Just being present on the line, even in silence, is a form of connection.
Q: Are there any topics I should avoid?
A: Generally, avoid complex financial or legal matters, complicated family gossip, or asking questions that test their memory (“Do you remember what we did last Christmas?”). Stick to simple, emotional, and positive topics.
Supporting Statistics
- According to the Alzheimer’s Association, more than 6 million Americans are living with Alzheimer’s dementia. This number highlights how many families are having these same conversations.
- Communication challenges are a core symptom of dementia. A study published in the International Journal of Language & Communication Disorders found that over 90% of people with dementia develop significant communication problems.
- Research shows that positive social interaction, even by phone, can reduce agitation and improve the mood and quality of life for a person with dementia. Your call has a real, positive impact.
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